Dear Parents,
I don’t know about you, but I find parenting to be incredibly challenging. For me, parenting is especially difficult now, when the holiday season of gift giving and receiving can blur the lines of needs versus wants from the perspective of an elementary or early adolescent child, and consequently, her parents. One part of my brain defends giving my children as much as I can from their wish lists (they’re only young once, they’ve worked really hard this year, blah blah blah), while another part of my brain shouts that they do not need everything that they want (we don’t want our children to be spoiled and feel that they deserve to have everything handed to them, if we give them everything they want it will lead to self-absorption and feelings of entitlement, blah blah blah). Give in to the wants, and feel guilty. Give simply, and feel guilty. It is a no-win situation.
My ultimate hope is for my children to be healthy, happy, and well balanced individuals who care about others and use their privilege for good. I think that’s why at this time of year I often pull out my worn copy of The Blessings of a Skinned Knee: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Self-Reliant Children. The writing of author Wendy Mogel (who has just written Blessings of a B Minus: Using Jewish Teachings to Raise Resilient Teenagers) reminds me that no really does mean no when we say it if we stand by it; that our children’s disappointment is not always a bad thing; and that they really don’t have to have the ___________ that everybody else has. Her writing has always been a validation for me that it doesn’t really matter if every other parent says they bought their daughters the latest ______ and can justify the reason in their heads. What’s really best for children is, well, learning to be resilient and skinning their knees every now and then.
Perhaps you don’t have these internal arguments as I do. But if you share my struggle in this season of Hanukah and Christmas, know that you are not alone, and that your daughter will survive not getting everything on her list. Life really does go on!
Donna